If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you never un-have a 4some
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
