Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
