apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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