she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
