Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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