i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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