so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
