Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
