u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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