I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
