Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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