forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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