Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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