I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
