I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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