2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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