thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
