before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
