If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
