My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
