after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
