at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Boobs are out for the taking
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
