i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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