So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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