dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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