This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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