my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Bang-toberfest begins!!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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