i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
