I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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