I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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