I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
