just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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