so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
