Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Randomize
