Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
