you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
