I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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