Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
