Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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