I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
