I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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