She went from zero to smokin in five shots
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
