WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
