The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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