I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
