I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
