I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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