I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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