This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
