I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
