Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
