We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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