dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
