I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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